Between Life, Love and Lies
by youxi
Summary: Penny is increasingly doubting her love for Leonard, and then there are those strange dreams that keep her awake at night and her body, which suffers more and more, so that at some point she makes an important decision. (Shenny)
1. Chapter 1

Knock, Knock, Knock ,,Penny"

Knock, Knock, Knock ,,Penny"

Knock, Knock, Knock ,,Penny"

 _I was standing in the kitchen, making a cup of coffee, when I heard Sheldon's knocking ritual._

"Come in, Sheldon. The door is open."

 _The door opened and Sheldon entered my apartment uncertainly. He looked around nervously, then he looked up at me._

"Hello Penny. Leonard told me that you both will marry soon and I wanted to congratulate you. "

 _Sheldon came closer and stopped a few feet away from me. Somehow he behaved strangely and he looked different than usual. He wore a dark suit shirt and his hair was a bit confused. It was something that I sympathetically acknowledged, though in itself it was an alarming sign. Sheldon had strict dress codes and his hair was never in disorder, it was always perfect, even though he was just waking up. Nevertheless, I was pleased to see him a little more relaxed and the shirt was really good._

"Thanks sweetie, but that does not look like you. What about you?"

"Amy said that if a good friend has good news, you should be happy for him ..."

"Are you looking forward to it or are you just saying that because social convention dictates that?" _I wanted to know._

"Honestly, I have not realized until now that your relationship with Leonard is so profound that it could lead to a marriage."

"What do you mean?" _I wanted to know a little bit angry. Was that an insult or just a statement?_

"Well, I thought there were other possibilities that you might not have considered yet."

"And what options should that be, in your opinion?"

 _He stared at his shoes and pinched his mouth for a moment. Then he looked up and straight into my eyes._

"Maybe there are other male individuals around you that you might be interested in?"

"I love Leonard, there's no one else," _I said emphatically, though suddenly I was not so sure._

 _Sheldon came slowly closer. He reached for my hands. I feel paralyzed and stared at him in disbelief._

 _Then he leaned forward so far that his lips almost touched my ear._ "Are you sure?"

I woke up completely irritated and I realized that I was totally sweaty. My damp clothes and wet pillow made me shiver.

"Penny what happened?" Leonard asked in shock as he reached for his glasses and turned on the reading light.

"All right, I just had a nightmare."

"Okay, go to sleep." He turned around, put his glasses down and turned off the light before falling asleep again.

After an estimated two minutes, I heard his calm breathing, which told me he was asleep. But I could not sleep again now and looked at the clock.

2:43

Reluctantly I got up and walked over to the kitchen. There I made a tea, as I felt my stomach cramp. Lost in thought, I stood at the window and sipped my tea gently. The dark apartment and the silence hit me pretty much and I had, without my insomnia, enough problems.

I would have thought that I had to be happy. I had a great job as a pharmaceutical rep and a wonderful fiancé, who made almost every wish come to me.

But it was not like that. Of course I had said "yes" when Leonard made me the request, after all. We had known each other for so long and in the last five years there had been a lot of ups and downs that we had mastered together.

But as soon as I found the time to think about it, my "yes" seemed to me to be more and more wrong. Why had I just agreed?

The more time passed, the more insecure I became and more recently my stomach also rebelled. At night, horrible stomach pains kept me awake, if not for crazier dreams. Today both problems got me out of bed together.

The tea seemed to calm my stomach a bit and I decided to buy a pack of Rennie in the morning. My thoughts wandered to the other topic that bothered me a lot. Even though it had only been a dream, it had felt odd to be so close to Sheldon and I did not understand what the dream should tell me. That Sheldon was not overly excited about engagements or other big events was well known to me and everyone else, and it had something to do with his social ineptitude. He was just afraid of change.

I had to yawn and now I felt how exhausted I am. I caught myself thinking that I would like to know how the dream would have gone on if I had not woken up.


	2. Chapter 2

Between Life, Love and Lies 2

Since a few weeks I had these dreams already and my meetings with Sheldon were not the same as before. I felt a little bit uncomfortably in his presence, because I kept thinking about what Sheldon did and said. Especially what he almost would have done if I did not wake up again and again. Unfortunately, in nature, Sheldon had not changed at all. He was as aloof as ever, and most of the time I understood nothing, when he talked about his work, his formulas, or nerd stuff in general. The only way to get him a little bit closer was the Halo evening on Wednesday. Since I managed to beat him on a regular basis, he let himself be carried away to the strangest things. In my first win, he actually said, "How can a woman look so good while playing Halo that well?"

 _I smiled thoughtfully to myself._

"Penny, what are you doing? Everything OK?"

I was startled and saw Leonard standing in his boxer shorts in the bedroom door. He had his glasses on and looked very crumpled.

"I could not sleep anymore, so I got up and cooked myself a tea."

 _For demonstration, I raised my cup a bit higher._

 _Leonard pushed his glasses higher up his nose. He came up to me and stroked one of my blond strands of hair behind the ear. He took my head in his hands and looked at me questioningly, then he looked me in the eyes._

"Do you know what beautiful green eyes you have?"

I could not react; he had taken me by surprise with his sudden appearance. Although I saw that his hands left my cheeks and pulled me to him, but I felt like frozen. Leonard seemed to notice that I was not very cooperative and let go to look at me with concern.

"Penny, is everything all right with you? You've been a bit off the track for days now, seem distracted and somehow distressed. "

"Yes I'm fine. Maybe I am just a little bit scared. "

"What are you afraid of?"

 _He looked at me with his faithful dog look._

"You do not have to worry about the wedding. We have all time in the world, but it can not be wrong if we start planning soon. We need an appointment, we have to take care of the invitations and the seating plan has to be worked out. You know that my parents ... "

He continued to talk about the wedding and was tiggling through the room. I used to think it was cute when Leonard told me about his plans with shining eyes, but now I had neither an eye nor nerves for it.

I was still thinking about the dream and Sheldon. Why did I dream that Sheldon was doing exactly what Leonard's job was? I had to admit that I had not felt repelled by his closeness. Once again, I went through all the opportunities in my head when Sheldon approached me in real life. Christmas a few years ago he had hugged me the first time I had given him the used napkin by Leonard Nimoy. I loved Sheldon's smell of fresh linen and baby powder, and although he did not do any sports, I could feel that there had to be muscles under the many layers of clothing, because he almost crushed me. Still, this hug was the gentlest thing Sheldon had ever done for me.

"Penny?" Leonard waved his hand in front of my face. I blinked and stroked the strand of hair behind my ear, which was already in my face again.

I grinned crookedly and hoped he would not realize that I had not listened to him at all. "What did you ask again?"

"I asked you, if you already have an idea for the motto?"

"Well, I do not think we should fix that in the middle of the night. Honestly, I do not have my head for that, Leonard. "

"Ok, I'm sorry." Leonard looked a little bit hurt, but he did not want to upset me either. "Do we want to go to bed again?"

"Sure"

I gave him a kiss and he smiled back. When he opened his mouth slightly and tried to get his tongue into mine, I took a step back.

It felt wrong and I was not in the mood at all.

"We should really go to sleep now. It's already very late. "I went back to the bedroom without waiting for Leonard and went to bed. The pillow was already dried again in the meantime. Of course, Leonard came after me and turned off the light before he lay down next to me. Finally, I fell into a deep and luckily dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Between Life, Love and Lies 3

"Leonard it's just before 8 o'clock. Can we go over? "

My friend frowns. "You always want to get Sheldon's morals out of his head and now you almost sound like him. What's wrong with you?"

"I'm just terribly hungry." I grabbed my key and headed for the door. "Can we go then?"

I did not understand why it was so important for me to show up punctually in apartment 4A today, but I felt a strong need to somehow impress Sheldon, if only with my punctuality. I did not understand the world anymore. Just over a month ago, I felt like my life was perfect. I had a great job as a pharmaceutical rep and for the first time in my life I did not have the problem of not being able to pay my rent or utility bill. I had a great fiancé and good friends. Even my alcohol consumption had been limited and now it felts like something was missing. I felt completely empty.

"Yes, we can." Leonard grabbed his jacket and came to me.

"We just want to go to the other side of the hall. What do you need a jacket for? "

"No idea, I always do. Who knows what the evening will bring. I'd rather be prepared for anything. "

 _I rolled my eyes and decided not to answer._

 _Silently we went across the hall. As always, I opened the door of my neighbours without knocking and entered the apartment without further ado._

What I saw made me stop right away. I was shocked by the picture that came to me. Sheldon was not alone. He and Amy lay entwined on the sofa. Because of no body contact and coitus! It was pretty down to business here and I decided to start knocking and waiting a few seconds.

The two were engrossed in a kiss and Amy's hands were already searching for a way under Sheldon's layers of clothing. Sheldon uttered a strange sound that sounded like a moan. He came to mind that I was about to watch the two in foreplay. Disgusted, I averted my eyes and was about to sneak backwards to the door when Leonard's voice came from behind me.

"Hey, you two! We want to play Halo, so either you go into Sheldon's room and go on or you have 5 gazers, because back there are the others with the tomato soup. "

"Hey, you!" Bernadette greeted us with her squeaky voice. Only then did I realize that I blocked my friends' way and they did not even come to the apartment. I was still dazed and completely confused. Sheldon and Amy kissed and rumoured? Since when?

"What happened to Penny?" Raj asked into the room.

"Sheldon and Amy gave their feelings and hormones free rein and Penny never knocks on. Now she seems to be in shock, but she is to blame for her misery, "replied Leonard shrugging. He came to me and gently pulled me towards the chair.

Why did the whole thing just shock me? Rather, I should have been happy for them that Sheldon was finally ready for a physical relationship. I knew that Amy wanted sex for a while, but it was hard to cope with that soon. When I met Sheldon, he could not even shake hands without disinfecting himself, and he had strictly rejected sex, since there was artificial insemination to witness a baby.

What was wrong with me?

"Are you not hungry, Penny?" Bernadette asked, sitting down next to me and looking at me questioningly. It looked like she was the only one who'd noticed my discomfort and sudden sadness.

"Can we talk?" I asked her and pointed to the front door. I had to get out of the apartment before I really lost my composure.

"Sure." Bernadette nodded. We left the apartment and I could still feel the questioning look of Leonard on my back, but as soon as I was behind my own apartment door, I felt my façade shatter and tears well up in my eyes.

 _Bernie sat next to me in front of the door and took me without a word in the arm._

"I do not know what's wrong with me," I managed with difficulty. "I have these dreams all the time and Leonard puts me under pressure with the damn wedding." I took my head in my hands and sighed.

Bernadette frowns "Are the dreams because of Leonard and the request? I thought you said yes. Did you decide? "

"No…Yes. It's complicated."

"What are you dreaming about? Is it so terrible?"

"Whichever way you take it. I dream of a man. It does not happen, but I sense that there could be more than friendship. "

"Is the man fictional or do you really know him?"

"He is not fictional."

"Who are we talking about? Do I know him? "

"I do not want to talk about it, all I can say is that maybe it's not about the man, but rather that I'm not sure about Leonard."

"But it puts a strain on you and maybe you should reconsider your engagement with Leonard. I mean, there is something wrong. "

 _I did not want to go further into this topic, so I skilfully steered the conversation in a different direction._

"Do you know what I just watched over there at Sheldon?"

 _Bernie looks at me questioningly and curiously._

"Sheldon and Amy messed around and it got pretty busy. It was awful."

"So I'm happy for the two. Amy really deserves it, does not she? "

"Yes, yes ..."

"That sounds like you would object. Do not tell me you're jealous of them because you and Leonard are not feeling well. "

Could it be that Bernie was right?

"What bothers you about that? Amy and Sheldon are adults. It was only a matter of time before their relationship changed. "

"It does not bother me ... ok, it bothers me and I do not know why. Sheldon has never been interested in such a thing in the past, and now he suddenly changes his mind completely and does not even have the decency to do it in the bedroom. "I felt a silly rage rising in me that made me blush. "And then he haunts even in my dreams." I clapped my hand over my mouth, because now I realized only what this sentence has an impact and then looks at me Bernadette even shaken.

"The man of your dreams is Sheldon?" She asked me incredulously.

"Oh my God. This is so embarrassing!"

She was searching for words, while I tried again to suppress my tears. My friend caught herself faster than me and gently put her hand on my back.

"It does not have to. But I do not understand why Sheldon? "

"How should I know that? I'd love to dream it away, or exchange it for a really sweet muscular guy through Leonard or something, but he will not leave me alone. It is terrible! "

"Maybe it's Sheldon's relationship with Amy. We did not think him all that and even thought he could be A-Sexual. Could it be that you threw a new perspective on him? "

I was seriously indignant with her idea, even if it was not so outlandish.

"I can not help but digest Sheldon's sexuality in my dreams! I already have enough problems. "

"Oh come on Penny maybe you like the new Sheldon."

"Such a nonsense!" At least Bernie was right. I just never saw Sheldon as an attractive or potent man because he performed quite often, like a damn Shelbot. Besides, he has never shown any interest in a romantic relationship.

"When I think about it, you've always had a strange relationship with Sheldon. You were the only one who helped him to improve his social skills and you never let go of his aloofness. You willingly wash with him every Saturday Laundry, you bear him when he is ill, you even helped him very effectively, when he was robbed. You're probably the only one who will ever understand him."

"That can be anything, but I'm engaged to Leonard. Are you really trying to persuade me to keep an eye on Sheldon? "

"Not that, but you're not happy with Leonard. You just admitted that yourself. I'm just trying to help you by trying to understand your dreams. Besides, Sheldon sure has a fool for you. I think we'll never understand why he risked your life back then when he drove you to the hospital. You have patience with him, yet you love to argue and though you do not have a doctoral degree or a high school education equal to him, he accepts you. "

"So, is there any possibility that Sheldon also looked at me from a different angle?" I stood up and added in my mind another "too?" Before sitting down on the sofa. Bernie sat down next to me and shrugged

"I think you have a very strong friendship and you are very important to him. He accepts your proximity and that's worth a lot. But what Amy has with Sheldon and maybe soon will have, will probably not be able to make another woman that fast. "

She took me in the arm again, because my mascara ran down my cheeks.

"But we're talking about Sheldon here! The self-centred, conceited arrogant Dr. Dr. Sheldon Cooper? But I still just can not believe it. "Even as I said that, I realized how wrong it sounded because it had not been true in a long time. Sheldon had changed.

"Penny, sweetheart! You're just thinking too much. But first you should get a grip on Leonard. Either you stay with him or you solve the engagement as soon as possible. Leonard is a good guy and does not deserve your pretence. "

Bernadette went to the fridge and got a bottle of wine from the fridge first.

"But I like to be with Leonard. I was so sure I would love him. "The pure desperation exclaimed from me.

"Do you do that, or do you just want to love him so that you are not alone?"

"Bernie! I do not know, it may be, maybe you're right. "

That's the truth. I really had no idea.

I was sick and I was about to cry. I tried to suppress the tears I did not understand and did not want to cry.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Knock, Knock, Knock ,,Penny"

Knock, Knock, Knock ,,Penny"

Knock, Knock, Knock ,,Penny"

I was standing in the kitchen making a cup of coffee when Sheldon's knocking ritual rang out.

"Come in, Sheldon. The door is open."

The door opened and Sheldon entered my apartment uncertainly. He looked around nervously, then looked up at me.

"Hey Penny. Leonard told me that you will marry soon and I wanted to congratulate you. "

Sheldon came closer and stopped a few feet away from me. Somehow he behaved strangely and he looked different than usual. He wore a dark suit shirt and his hair was a bit confused. It was something that I sympathetically acknowledged, though in itself it was an alarming sign. Sheldon had strict dress codes and his hair was never in disorder, it was always perfect, even though he was just waking up. Nevertheless, I was pleased to see him a little more relaxed and the shirt fits really good.

"Thanks sweetie, but that does not look like you. What about you?"

"Amy said that if a good friend has good news, you should be happy for him ..."

"Are you looking forward to it or are you just saying that because social convention dictates that?" I wanted to know.

"Honestly, I have not realized until now that your relationship with Leonard is so profound that it could lead to a marriage."

"What do you mean?" I wanted to know a little angry. Was that an insult or just a statement?

"Well, I thought there were other possibilities that you might not have considered yet."

"And what options should that be in your opinion?"

He stared at his shoes and pinched his mouth for a moment. Then he looked up, straight into my eyes.

"Maybe there are other male individuals around you that you might be interested in?"

"I love Leonard, there's no one else," I said emphatically, though suddenly I was not so sure.

Sheldon came slowly closer. He reached for my hands. I feel paralyzed and stared at him in disbelief.

Then he leaned forward so far that his lips almost touched my ear. "Are you sure? "Sheldon's breath on my cheek made me nervous, and I took a step back to shake my hands free, what he let happen.

"I'm just trying to save you from a big mistake. Is it so hard to imagine that I liked the concept of romance and intimate physical contact? I am and will remain a man of science, but I can not deny that I am just a normal human who is driven by hormones. "

With these words he leaned forward and kissed me.

I woke up and sat carefully on the edge of the bed.

I could not believe that the dream actually changed after all this time. Sheldon had kissed me. I still could not believe it. I was in shock because the worst part was I liked it. But Sheldon did not care about me and was also in a happy relationship with Amy. If I went further into my crazy feelings, I would run the risk of losing my friendship with Amy and probably getting a basket of Sheldon as well.

I stared dumbly at the clock and found that it was as usual 3 o'clock in the morning. Leonard seemed to have noticed that I had woken up, but he pretended to be asleep and I was fine with it. As so often, I got up and got a drink from the kitchen and stood by the window to think because Sheldon's kiss was not my only problem.

I lost almost 9 kilos last month because I just had no appetite. At the moment it was quite stressful in my job, so I just could not come to dinner anymore and the happenings somehow hit my stomach. The medicaments for too much stomach acid has not helped for a long time, but I just did not dare go to the doctor, for fear it might be something bad.

Often Bernadette and Leonard forced me to eat, but at the latest in the evening I had to vomit everything involuntarily again. It was not that I felt too fat, I was just not interested in food anymore. I did not feel hungry anymore. I used to get messed up in this situation or drink more alcohol, but since Leonard live with me, I was able to do what I wanted and my apartment stayed neat. I had tried alcohol, but I could not focus on my work the next day, and Leonard would not let me drink more than 3 glasses of wine a day, and I did not want to roam the bars all by myself. For some reason my body wanted to punish me this time with stomach ache and unfortunately I made it very easy for him. I had recently learned about eating disorders, but nothing was right. All disturbances were about feeling fat, which I absolutely did not do. I liked my body, it gets along well with men and it was also good at acting. In the forums where I had read about stress eating disorders, no explicit came out.

Because of my job I was traveling a lot and after work I would rather have my rest than sitting in a room with Leonard and Sheldon. So my friends did not noticed much of my problems. Only Leonard and Bernadette probably had a hunch.

Sheldon would have noticed, because we still met from time to time in the stairwell and washed the laundry together on Saturday. Finally, he noticed changes quickly, like I changed my shampoo and he was disturbed by the new Cocos smell.

Maybe Sheldon was more tactful than I thought, because Leonard had already touched me on my appearance and my health problems and had not been very sensitive. He had asked me straightaway if I had a eating problem and that I looked bad. To explain it to him would have been pointless. He just could not understand why I was feeling so bad.

His reaction was much the same as when I told him that I wanted to audition for a movie but would have to quit my job. I get back to him because I thought he would understand me. I had hoped that Leonard would understand me better over time and that we could have a more harmonious togetherness, but I was probably wrong about that.

I arrived at a point where I left the apartment as early as possible and came back late.

"Penny, we have to talk!"

Terrified, I flinched and turned to Leonard, who stood directly behind me. I had not heard him come and he had terrified me a lot.

" Are you kidding me? You scared me!"

"I'm sorry, but you're so rarely at home that it's not so easy to talk to.

"What do you want Leonard?"

"Is it because of my request? If you are not ready yet, I'll take everything back. "

"That's not it."

"Do you still love me?" He looked at me in anticipation and tried to act very composed, which he did not very well.

"Yes ... I believe," I answered, knowing that his heart would break right away. But I had been silent for too long and the silence made both of us unhappy. "But I just can not remember if that's enough to spend all my life with you. I loved you and I like being with you, but I just do not know if that's enough to spend all my life with. We tried again and again and never did it work properly, you have to admit that. Maybe we as a couple are doomed to failure. It would not be fair to marry you when there is a woman waiting for you somewhere who loves you much more than I do. "

Leonard stared at me for a moment, stunned. "What exactly does that mean? You love me, but do not want to marry me? "

"It means I want to split up."

"I do not understand that. We were so happy, Penny. Why do you just want to throw it all away? "

"Leonard understand, it just does not feel right anymore."

Leonard nodded, turned around, got his jacket and cell phone, put on his shoes, and walked to the door.

At the door he turned around

"I have still one question. Is there anyone else? "

"I have no affair, if that's what you mean."

"OK"

He left and behind him the door slammed shut.

I had thought that this Break-up would injured me more, but I did not even have tears for it. I felt freed.

Suddenly, I was hungry. Since I had recently neglected the food, I found in the kitchen a large pack of cheese cracker, which I usually nibbled in the evening to my glass of wine. I devoured the pack in no time and finished my meal with a slice of cold pizza that Leonard probably left me with. It was the first thing I could eat with pleasure for a long time and that was not looking for a way out again. As soon as I can not eat more, I discovered the bottle of red wine in the fridge and I could not resist.

"Red wine my love, I tasted you the last time yesterday", I sang into the room as I gently maneuvered the bottle onto the work surface. Since Leonard lived with me, I had recently always clean glasses there. I filled a glass full and took the bottle with me to the couch. Having spent so many hours overtime the last few weeks, I was able to turn night into day and take my morning off. I turned on music because I did not like series or movies and grabbed my phone. I wrote to Bernadette that I had news and she urgently needed to visit me in the next few days.

The radio sounded and I hummed the melody softly. For the first time in many weeks, I was fine again. Even my stomach seemed to tolerate the cracker. I finally felt free and carefree even though there was still a problem living on the other side of the corridor.


End file.
